Blowjobs for Jesus

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Ex Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI  yesterday announced the discovery of a new gospel which described in detail how Jesus got blow jobs from young boys as their way to heaven.

This was a great relief to the Pontiff who in the past had to stretch his tongue and tie it in knots trying to justify sexual abuse in the Catholic church where he blamed everything including but not limited to the collapse of Catholic theology, the sexual liberation movement of the 60’s

He also blamed sexual films, images of nudity and “the clothing of that time” which he claimed led to “mental collapse” and “violence”.

“We would like to apologize to every single priest that we may have given a warning letter to, cautioned to be more careful, transferred to Africa or promoted for what was falsely described as sexual abuse. In the end, you have been vindicated through the word of the Lord.

We would like to urge the young boys in the church to understand that this is a necessary part of Christ’s work that the priests have been doing through the wisdom of the holy spirit and that the power of God through their semen sanctifies them of all sin.”

The news was met with celebration all through the Vatican as priests and cardinals alike welcomed the news and hoped that the Pope would soon legalise marriages between the clergy and prepubescent boys as a sign of his commitment to the church.

The Pope also spoke out against homosexuality during the event, though he emphasized that only God can judge, as he urged Catholic faithful to be wary of the end days where prophets would preach false doctrine and who would try and mislead the faithful. He urged Catholic worldwide to promote love, tolerance of differences and family values.

“For a long time, the clergy has had to hide when having sex with minors or when encouraging them to perform sexual acts on them but not any more. It shall henceforth be a regular part of mass as we work towards being more like Christ.

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